Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
