I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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