I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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