She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...