Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
These tits shall not be calmed