I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
