yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
