dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Never underestimate the power of titties
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
