so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
