apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
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i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
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It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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