You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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