I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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