didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Let's get the cat blown out
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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