Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
