my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
