i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
