worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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