I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
