i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
