I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
