I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
