The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
she told me i tasted like america
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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