No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
