just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Randomize
