I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
