ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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