remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
