My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
