i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
