Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
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Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
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Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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