the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
