I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
