I accidentally burped into my bong.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
