the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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