Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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