Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
