Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I would fuck him just for his dog
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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