I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
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