I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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