A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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