Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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