Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
