Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
My cat gives me a boner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're making bets on your personal life
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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