Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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