i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
