Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
