See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
