Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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