dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
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He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
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How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest