It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Girls should come with a carfax report
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
