Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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