My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
