So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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