I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
