I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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