if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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