You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
