phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
