I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
